Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
