Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
