Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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