I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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