I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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