In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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