I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
