she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
