Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
