since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
