Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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