I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
