I'll bet she douches with gravy.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
