Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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