Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Is Oprah even human
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
