I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
