What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
