So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
