Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
