Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
