Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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