the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Umm I'm too high to move.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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