I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
