I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
