Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize