I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
