Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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