if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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