I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
