Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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