i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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