i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
