I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
