Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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