my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
