My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
