Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
