He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
