I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
