If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
