True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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