If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
