Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
