Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
