Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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