someone get that fucking seahorse.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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