youre lurking in front of me
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
