I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
i need some magic done to my vagina
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
