I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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