I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
